THIS IS ME THANKING YOU FOR THIS FEAR OF FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN

Our story has ended long ago. Long before we are able to define the fine line between the connections that bind us- if there was an us.

The story which we tried to romantically craft in our imaginary world is the best, I would say. But that world is not perfect. I failed to realize that it was not built on happy endings, because ours is a fantasy far from becoming a reality.

Our once colourful imaginary world is now burnt into ashes and what’s left of it are memories which haunted me for quite some time since the day you told me that I should better leave you alone.

For days, weeks, months, I was weeping my way to survival until I was able to accept that we really should go our separate ways. It took me long to journey in a dwindling road of uncertainties before I realized that I should be happy with what has become of us. That I should take what has happened as a blessing in disguise no matter how shattering it was. That you are happy without me, and I would be happier without you.

I have learned to move on. I have learned to live my life the way it has always been before. But love is a thief which comes in the most unexpected of times. And like it has always been before, I am caught off-guard, again.

However, no matter how impulsive these feelings get, I was able to get to know how to reflect from the lessons I had in the past. Well, thanks to you? I don’t know. Should I? Because more than the bliss I feel from this unusual overflowing emotion which makes me think that now is the right time to love again, I cannot help but hesitate because I had reflected enough from the past.

So here I am, trying to conceal the fears from yesterday.

I am not living in the past. I already had accepted that our fates are separated. That you are better without me, that you will be better with someone else, and I, with myself. But I cannot help but doubt somebody’s love over and over again because I know I am vulnerable.

I feel delighted feeling the excitement of falling in love, but I also know that any minute, I could become a prey once more to the claws of failed emotions and unrequited affection should this somebody fail to love me the way someone deserves to be loved.

Thanks to you.

I am trying to conceal the fear of willingly giving my all, again.

Though my subconscious has always told me to seize this moment and be happier with someone else who, by the grace of heavens is willing to help me build back the person I was before, but my consciousness is telling me that I should take a lot of time to hold back, to think and rethink before I eventually indulge myself to another risky attachment.

Yes, I am easily attached, and it was the reason you left me, by telling me it annoys you, but you never knew that I act such because you are dear to me and I cannot live a second without a thought of you, or so I thought.

And now, I think I cannot give that all again, easily.

Thanks to you.

I am trying my best to conceal the fact that I already had fallen in love again.

Yes, I am happy. Not by the thought of all the memories we once had shared and not by the thought of any moment that we might be good again, because all of those are gone. I am happy not by the thoughts of you, or by your messages which made my days before, but I am happy of the thought that somebody is making me feel the same way again, and by whose massages, my days are made again.

However, I know that the same feeling would lead me to the same path I took before and it was so pathetic. To beg for attention, to beg for affection, and worst, to beg for a piece of your love because I clearly understand that you had already given the greater share to somebody else.

Well, thanks to you.

So here I am, trying to deny the fact that I am in love and it is killing me.

I am dying. Yes. Not by our failed romance or by our failed love story, but by this other story which awaits to be told, but I continue to deny.

I know it is not your fault, it was never your fault because it is only I, who for the longest time, had lingered on the gamble of loving you even if you never gave me an assurance of winning it from your end. But you told me to try, not just once. You shouldn’t have at least said those when you already knew from the start that I will lose. Because it was never me whom you think deserves you. I accepted it, but the pain it gave me almost took the very reason I live. You were my world, or maybe I only thought you were.

You were not my world. And my life will never end even if that world exists or not. Because now I can feel that my world could be out there, that I could belong somewhere else, with somebody else. But I’m afraid. I was conditioned that the pain will be unbearable to stand once I let go of these feelings and emotions and give my all again, to another person. And I am sorry for that. It is killing me like how it kills me before, when you choose to take me, to take me for granted.

But well, still thanks to you.

I may have been afraid for now, but I know this fear will be over soon.

And of all those things which I choose to forget even if it fears me to never see happiness again, it is in forgetting fear itself that I am most not afraid of.

Well, thanks to you.